A bloat of hippopotami, a pandemonium of parrots, a destruction of wildcats and a murder of crows, all great, hell even a blush of boys, an observance of hermits and a pity of prisoners are amazing description. But what do you call the jerks and assholes that seem to be popping up everywhere you look, walk, drive and live? I don’t know. I wish I did. Hell, I even went so far to scour the internet to no avail. I’m stumped.
I mean there is a shiver of sharks, a smack of jellyfish, a knot of toads and dray of squirrels, but no mention of assholes. A nest of snakes, a tower of giraffes and a colony of ants, but nothing is written on assholes. Although there is a pace of asses, but that refers to the four legged ass, not the two legged, walking , talking, driving, breathing excrement that try and sometimes succeeds in making yours, mine and our daily life just a bit more miserable.
What I’m getting at is this, for the most part I’ve had a really good week, but at least once every day this week a new asshole has made themselves known to me. I suppose they had nothing better to do, like say, raise kids, set an example, work, sit alone in a dark room feeling like the complete and utter loser they are… I don’t know. I don’t care. Now, I’ve tried to be patient, I’ve tried to put myself in their shoes, I’ve tried to convey to them in our discussions that I’m somewhat sympathetic to their plight and that they are not alone. However; they need to calm down, take a breath, and remove themselves from the situation that is making act like an utter and complete lunatic but to no avail. The calm, soothing words of advice spoken by yours truly fell upon deaf ears and closed minds.
Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m the problem. The older I get the more I run into them. Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m the problem, maybe I should turn my observations upon myself. Look into a mirror so to speak. Nah, I don’t need to, I know who and what I am. And yes, I am an ass at times, a jerk too, and occasionally a total bastard. But I know I am not an consistently reliable asshole whom neighbors whisper about behind closed doors, kids give wide berth to when they pass your house, acquaintances duck down store aisles when they see you enter the store. I know I’m not that guy. I’m close, but I’m not quite there.
Ya see on Monday, I saw at least three assholes. All at varying times during the day, but I recognized them and I’m sure you would too. Tuesday, at least four assholes crossed my vision and daily path. Wednesday, I think there was an asshole convention in town. I swear I saw some of them standing in an alleyway practicing a secret handshake. Thursday, yesterday… of course I was in a different city, but I still saw several of them walking around, driving cars and busses. Scary it was. Today, I’ve been lucky, I’ve been locked in my office and trying not to interact with the public. Although I know, when the time comes for me to leave work and drive home, I will most assuredly run into them again. It’s like they are out there waiting on me, like birds on a wire waiting for you to finish washing and waxing your car. Or in my case, my motorcycle.
I do believe we should come up with a term for these guys, we have to. I’m leaning towards an assembly of assholes. There is a particular ring to it, but then again, so does an assumption of assholes. I can just hear myself saying out loud to the asshole who was arguing with the homeless people outside of 7/11 the other night “Hey, your assembly is missing an asshole, you better get over there quick.” Or “Dude, the group of assholes on the corner is one asshole shy of an assumption, you should go help them.” Course, saying that would most likely get me punched, but it would be worth it.
Have a great week.