Ugh… I’m making some changes in my life. Not easy ones for me. I won’t go too much into detail here, simply because it’s of an extremely personal nature. No, I’m not gonna do what Bruce Jenner did. However; I am forcing myself to get more in touch with humanity and the people around me.
This is not easy for me. I don’t like making changes in my life. I don’t like change. I like routine and basic peace and quiet. I like staying in my rut. Proof of this, for those of you who don’t follow me on facebook, is that at on at least three occasions this year, on days I was scheduled to be off from my primary job during my regularly scheduled work days, I ended up showing up for work. This was done out of habit. Or, in my case, most likely, auto-pilot.
Which is something I’m sure all of you can relate to. Being on auto-pilot I mean. Think about your daily routine. Think about how when you get out of bed in the morning and go about your wake up routine. Do you really think about it? Or when you’re driving to work? Do you really think about where and how you are getting there? Not really. Unless there’s a traffic jam, accident or a train, you really don’t think about it. And when one of those incidents occur, you feel stress and pressure because you’re not going about your normal routine. You are yanked out of your peaceful auto-pilot life and forced to make decisions about how and where you’re going.
It sucks. I know. I completely understand.
After all, I’ve been working for years to maintain my schedule and not allow anything to interfere with it. Now, I find myself having to rethink and reassess my schedule and behavior. Which makes me very tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally. These choices have also left my body burning like a hotwire. All the pains and aches that I’ve been holding at bay have made themselves more apparent in my life. How I walk, talk and move in general. This also affects my mood. I’m more surly than usual.
The worst part, the terrible part, the horrific part about all this for me is, I’m not doing this alone. I’ve called out to people I can count on to talk to me about these decisions. Support me when I’m at my wits end and even reach out to me when they are thinking of me and are concerned about how I’m coping with the changes I’ve forced myself into. They are great people and I feel like a total heel asking for their help.
I’ve been told on numerous occasions, we, as humans, no matter how much we think we are going through life alone, are never truly alone. I hated asking for their help. Asking for anything from anyone for myself is something I’ve never been comfortable with. It’s my pride. I know this. I’ve been told this and I don’t like admitting this. I’m sure I’m not alone in this mentality.
Somehow though, in this instance of my life. I need these people. I need to feel as if everything I’m doing is right and that one day there will be a light at the end of the tunnel of life I’m currently going through. That’s what everyone says. That is what everyone believes. That is what I hope for. To have at the end of this trek through darkness and pain, I’ll be a better, healthier and happier person. Also, that the people in my life, close people, distant people and the world in general around me will be a better and lighter place.
I’m sure there are going to be some bleak times, hell, I’ve been going through one said bleak time this past week. Of course, these moments only came about because I tried to do things on my own previously. I tried to deal with the metric-ton of life’s debris on my own for years and unknown to me, it has taken a deep and stunning toll on my health, my happiness and those closest to me.
Like those race horses on television, I’ve been wearing blindersfor years. Not really seeing the effects of my life and decisions tolls on the people around me. I couldn’t see. I was essentially blinded by my pride, my stunted coping skills and my sole focus on staying on course and maintaining my routine. A routine that pretty much has about crippled me. In all forms of the word. Now, I say no more. I know what I need to do. I know it’s not going to be easy and I only hope I will come out a better person in the end.
So, if you have any in depth questions and feel you want to ask me more about this, feel free to. If I’m in a good mood, I will answer, if not in a good mood, then I will know you do care and won’t take offense to me being a surly middle aged man.
Have a great week.