I have begun my forty-seventh year on this mud-ball today. I officially turned forty-six today, yes, my math is correct. A person is not born at one year of age. But I digress. I’ve taken this week and done some introspective looks at myself and I’ve realized some very interesting facts about myself.
First off, I’m not as angry as I used to be and it takes a lot to get my ire up now. I never was super angry about politics, since I figured most politicians don’t necessarily tell the truth and compromise is never understood by the masses. What really got under my skin and sometimes still does is the idiocy of peoples actions or inactions that cause endless amounts of stress in not just their lives but the lives of others around them. I don’t get as mad as I used to, but it still aggravates me. I’m just less vocal about it. I seem to have come to a point in my life where I take things in stride. It’s a good place to be.
Mostly though, I’ve become more of an introvert, you wouldn’t know it by reading my blog. While my day is filled with interacting with people both professionally and socially. So when I get home, or when I’ve had my full of talking and joking I sit on my porch, smoke a cigar and write or watch Netflix or play on the internet. It is my way of decompressing and it seems my family understands my need for solitude.
I’ve heard that a lot of writers are almost hermits by nature, don’t read me wrong, I don’t think I’m a writer by any means. If anything I’m just a hack who has found a way to be creative without putting forth a whole lot of effort. None-the-less, I have found that I do fall into a hermetical category. So much so that I don’t watch much television anymore and as for listening to the radio, I don’t. I listen to podcasts and the music on my Zune. Yes, I have a Zune and I love it. I don’t have an iPod nor do I want one but I am sure one day I will eventually have to get one to replace my Zune when it finally dies. Which I hope is NEVER! I don’t mind being alone nor do I crave social circumstances, even when I’m in them I am usually sitting in the corner listening and watching the rest of the group.
This fact, my search for solace in solitude, has not really changed. As far back as I can remember enjoying my own company more than I enjoyed the companies of others. Simply because I never understood the politics of people when more than two people are involved, I don’t know who said this but it is true “Friendship is between two people, politics is between three or more.” This applies to me in my everyday life.
So much so that I when a new person is hired at work it usually takes me six months to a year to learn their name. Simply because I don’t want to get attached to anyone because I don’t want to deal with the pain that comes when they leave, because they always leave. This behavior is different than when I was younger. When I was younger I tried so hard to meet people who I would become friends with. Desperately forged friendships in times of stress and loneliness whose futures were destined for failure because the people you befriend are just as desperate as you are. I don’t do that anymore.
Although, the firewalls I’ve put in place sometimes don’t work but for the most part, they do.
Also, I’ve found myself in a more of a gentle minded state lately. Meaning, instead of scowling, ignoring or avoiding people, I’ve found myself smiling, waving and actually greeting people I would normally ignore. I’ve seen these small changes in me, I don’t know if others have and I don’t really care, maybe that will change one day but for now, I don’t.
These are the biggest changes I’ve found in myself, sure there are others. But as of this writing I don’t think they need to be spoken of.
Also, I will say this, there have been many well wishes cast my way today and I appreciate them all. I also am grateful for each and every one of you readers and I hope that I never run out of things to talk about here with you.
Have a great week.