Saturday, August 5, 2017

Cancer of Attrition

I saw an old friend today. It was a serendipitous meeting, he was walking away from me as I came out of a parking garage. I called out to him. Three times. He turned around, waved and started walking towards me.
For fifteen minutes we sat and talked. Mostly updates on our lives, nothing important. We shared a few laughs and then we went our separate ways.
I was not thirty steps from where we had sat when it struck me that while we still liked each other, we were not as close as we once were. Sure, I used to see him almost every day, then once a week or a couple times a month and later, when he left his job, maybe twice a year. But we always managed to pick up and reconnect easily.
Not this time, no, this time everything felt a bit forced. Well for me, I’ve no clue as to what he felt. And I probably never will.
I know our time on this spaceship is short and almost everyone we meet is just another transient passenger, but there are some people I wish never would leave my life. This inevitability saddens me all the way through. 
Over the years I’ve lost too many people I allowed myself to get close to and each time they move on, I die a bit more inside. Sure, we chat on the internet or text each other and on rare occasions we actually have conversations on the phone. I know, an archaic form of communication but a lovely one it is.
Now and again, I’ll actually get some face time with them, no, not the app for your phone, but real life sitting across from another human being face time. It’s always good. Except for today.
Maybe we’ve both grown too much, or maybe I haven’t and he has… or vice versa. I don’t know. I do know I miss how comfortable I used to feel when I spoke with him. I miss our quick witted banter and the easy smiles and laughter. I guess what I’m saying is I miss our friendship. 
This is the first time this has happened to me that I can remember. Where a pal one day becomes almost a stranger overnight. To be truthful, it wasn’t overnight, no, this has been years in the making. After all, we haven’t seen each other in months and the last time was just another quick conversation in a parking lot. 
Looking back at that chance meeting it was much different than today’s meeting. Then there was a sense of comradery, a connection of years working together, fighting for what we felt was right and trying to get others to understand our greater vision of where we wanted to be in our jobs. 
Today, very little of those emotions were felt. 
I miss those emotions.
I miss that connection.
I miss my friend.

Have a great week.