I don’t know what you were thinking when you said what you said in front of friends both old and new, but it really hurt. Hurt in a way I thought I couldn’t be hurt. Hurt in a way that I thought that not just I but you as well had matured out of. I shouldn’t have been hurt, but I was, and I was very embarrassed.
I’ve thought a lot about what would prompt you to say what you said. The only conclusion is one particular incident when you and I were together to relive our past. To try and catch the comet of youth we once had. However; life had other ideas. You were going through a bad time and circumstances dictated that you needed to take care of something much larger in your life than us spending time together. I understood that completely. Hell, I encouraged you to go and do what needed to be done.
So, I found an alternative way to spend my time. I visited some new acquaintances to me, yet old pals to you. On my way there, I received bad news myself. Very bad news. I lost a friend, and in the scheme of things, you were trying to save a friendship, while I had just lost one. I couldn’t ask you to give up that hope.
Yes, I acted irrationally. I was hurt. I acted out. I also made the mistake of listening to what you had said. Something I shouldn’t have done. I, however, do not blame you. My actions are strictly my own. I own my mistakes, I own my flaws, I admit I am nothing but human and subject to my emotions when I’m put in extreme states.
It’s odd, we, all of us, have become this ever growing circle. No, we are more like an atom. A particle, with all of us circling around a nucleus. Yet none of us, even you, are the nucleus. Which I don’t think you believe. I wish you did. We are all particles circling the nucleus. You, me and all of our mutual friends. If you do think you are a nucleus, you are wrong. Hell, you’re not even a quark that holds the nucleus together. You are just a proton, or electron or maybe even a neutron that orbits the nucleus.
Truly, no one person could be the glue for a nucleus, the quark if you will, because quarks come in pairs and you don’t like to admit to being paired with anyone. Which makes me sad. You like to say and do things that you think will make you look like a bigger and better person at times. Maybe it’s an ego thing, maybe there is some sense inside of you that hopes no one sees your flaws like I have and that scares you. So you act out in a way that you don’t think will hurt people. Call it a self-preservation instinct. But I think that instinct in you may be broken.
Broken by too many years of being around people who stroke your ego, and when you come across someone who has known you for more years than you care to admit, you forget that we don’t care about who you are now. We care about who you were then. The man who had deep fears and a rebellious spirit we all thrived off of. A man who wasn’t afraid to admit his mistakes or the mistakes of others. No, you’ve only hung on to the later of that statement.
I think there are times where you garner more glee in putting down others than trying to lift others up. Before you try and prove that point wrong, think about your superiors. The men and women who helped you become the person you are today. Think of how they acted to a young upstart and how they tried to help him become the man he is today. It’s a bitter mirror to look into. A mirror I’ve looked into more often than not in the past twelve years.
You see, what you don’t understand, is I know I’ve hurt people, intentionally or unintentionally and I am haunted by those memories every day. So much pain at times, that I can’t even look at myself in a mirror. Which explains why I don’t shave every day or even once a week. I just can’t bear to look at myself. Which sucks. It really sucks.
The times when I feel confident enough to look at my face, I am disgusted by what I see. I know that inside of my hazel eyes, there lies a poet, a lover, a father, a husband, a rebel, a recluse, a monster, an instigator and a lost soul. I’m not happy with what I see hiding behind my eyes.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming anyone except myself. How could I? I am the one who is responsible for my actions. However; that does not excuse the hint of mischief you plant on people’s lives. I know why you do it. You do it so you don’t feel so much pain as well. After all, you and I are both similar in nature. It’s just I don’t try to set people up for failure or mistakes and then point at them and feel justified in how I feel about them. To revel in their mistakes just to prove you are right in your angst, anger and disappointment in human nature every fucking day of your life.
I love you man. I love you more than I love most people in my life. You are one of my favorite people in the world. I care about you, your health and I worry about you almost every day. I want nothing but you to be happy and successful. But, I think in order for you to be both, you need to reassess how you treat most people in your life. I’ll always be here for you. My phone will always be answered when you call and if needed, I will traverse the countryside to be at your side when you need it.
Life is an organism in which we all live. We live, breathe, grow, wilt and die. It is the growing stage that is the most important to me. We have to strive to become better than our codified experiences. Pain of life is a constant and we have to overcome it. We can’t hold against people the hurt they’ve inflicted upon us in the past to the people we have in the present and future. Even if some of those people are the same.
We are all victims, instigators, peons and superiors. We have to come to terms with these facts. We have to strive to not fall prey to the positions each trait offers. We have to be better than our stations and give the benefit of doubt and try to understand what outer influences make us act the way we do. We, after all, should be better than that. We should be setting the example and not be the example.
Whatever your feelings are, good, bad or even indifferent, just know, I will never lose faith in you nor will I ever stop caring about you.
Be safe and be at peace.