Friday, February 27, 2015

Inconclusive Results

            Today is the last day of my experiment in working less, resting more and enjoying life in my own fashion. I’ve been relaxed over the past couple of months. So relaxed in fact that I’ve literally felt almost normal. Well, as normal as one can in this day and age.
            Oddly enough, I’m at a loss as to if my experiment was a success or a failure. I’d like to say it was a success but on this last day of my reprieve all the stress, angst, pressure and bleak outlook as to what the upcoming weeks of endless work, sleepless nights and bodily pains have crashed back down upon me with the vengeance of a scorn lover. Meaning, I’m in deep doo-doo.
            I don’t know if I will be able to go back to the way I was, I don’t know if my body can handle the abuse. I hope it can, I hope I won’t buckle under the endless pressure. If my past is any indication of my future, then I won’t… for a while. Hopefully by the time the unseen breaking point draws near I will be in a position to step back once again.
            Which is kind of funny, you see, over the past two weeks, here in the South, we’ve had unprecedented amounts of snow fall which has basically shut down my entire city. Schools have been closed for seven full days. Most businesses were shut down for at least one day each week and adults across the seven cities with children have shown great restraint in not locking their offspring outside just for a few moments of peace and quiet.
            Me and mine went for walks, shoveled snow at our house and our neighbors. We tried to stay busy. We cleaned, laughed and talked. We also watched endless hours of television. At one point in time, they were watching a film about a kid who could travel in time, a talent which he apparently inherited from his father. I wish I could remember the name of the film, but I can’t. Anyhow, at the end of the film, the dad is dying and the son is spending time with him, then he travels back in time to spend more time with his dad. It’s odd, because I don’t have a relationship like that with my father so I was a bit jealous and confused by this sort of action. But I went with it, simply because it is a movie, it’s make believe and I was bored.
            The last conversation the dad and son had the father tells his kid the secret to being happy in life and how to deal with the gift of time travel. Basically he said live each day through to the end. Go through all the stress, strife, anger and disappointment without trying to change anything or anyone. Then, relive the day but this time enjoy the day, the small moments, breathe in the life of all things around you because you already know what is going to happen, you can just live in the moment.
            That is brilliant. Also, I wish I were a time traveler so I could do this. Instead, I end up just living in the initial moment. Taking in all the bad shit, processing the bad shit, and then spewing out more bad shit. Computer geeks call this phenomenon “GIGO” otherwise known as Garbage in, Garbage out. It’s odd, I’ve known this phrase for years yet this is the first time I’ve seen it applied to life and I’m the one who is applying it to my life. Least I’m trying to. All the smart people I know, all the uncertified genius’s, crazy creative folks and plain old common sense savants. None of them in all of our conversations and run ins have ever made a connection between the two. Which is odd but not surprising.
            I guess what I’m saying is this;
            While I’ve enjoyed the break in my hectic life over the past two months, I believe it has come at a cost I’m not really prepared to pay. Not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially as well. I suppose it’s like when you were a kid standing at the edge of a river and you pick up a rock and toss it in the water. You see a huge splash, then the ripples start out large and slowly fade. Or do they, do the ripples disappear in time? Or do they leave behind small shadows of their effect on the fishes lives that make their living in the water.
            That is how I feel. Like I took a rock, threw it into the pond of my life without looking at the damage it may cause and not really giving two cents about the repercussions. Now, looking into the abyss of my near and not so near future, I’m not filled with regret for not doing everything I should have but I am unsure of what to expect from my journey into the next ten months. I wish I did. But I’m not a psychic or a time traveler. I’m just a Polak in a snow bound southern state with debts, worries, problems and concerns.
            In other words, I’m just like you. Only in a different place and time.

            Have a great week.

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