Friday, January 30, 2015

On the Mend

            It has truly been an interesting week for me. Once again I was struck down with some sort of ailment that pretty much put me on bed rest for three and a half days. I suppose it all started Monday I started getting a heavy feeling in my chest and my nasal cavities decided that now would be a good time to produce mucus in overdrive mode. To top everything off, I developed this really low and guttural cough that lasted for several minutes on end. It was quite disturbing for those who witnessed my spastic gestures and uncontrollable drooling while bent over whatever piece of furniture I happened to be near.
            However; there was some nifty side effects of uncontrollable coughing and liquid explosions from my facial orifices. I got dizzy, really dizzy. Like I just drank a whole bottle of scotch dizzy. Hell, it was all I could do to not fall down most of the time. Oh, and of course the muscle spasms were an added bonus. I really dug those. It felt as if I’d pissed of some voodoo witch doctor in a strange and foreign land and now they had decided to take revenge upon my by using a voodoo doll with my likeness as piece of silly putty. (If you don’t know what silly putty is, then you may be too young to read this blog.) All my muscles moving independently of their own accord and usually in opposite directions which causes all sorts of conflicting synapse firings in my brain. I guess it is like if Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart at the height of his career was sapped by a time travel ray and plopped down in the middle of a Megadeth concert, or Slipknot, you pick. I think his head would just about explode, which is to say, my mind was on that verge of catastrophic engineering failure. Yet I survived by divine intervention.
            Okay, maybe not divine intervention. I went home Monday night, slept hard and went to work on Tuesday morning. After two hours there, I went home. Why? The coughing, the chills, the violent and uncontrollable muscle spasms… nah, I just wanted to goof off. Of course it was the illness. Duh. Once home I self-medicated with liquid green death, BC powder and several muscle relaxing patches. Then my consciousness departed my reality and when next I came back to the world of the living I turned my laptop on, brought up Netflix, re-medicated, started a film and quickly left the land of the living once again.
            I repeated this process until I realized it was Wednesday. My laptop had disappeared from the bed, my mouth had a stale medicinal moss like growth on it and my pajamas had an odor of stale sweat. I stumbled to the shower, scrubbed my filth and watched it slowly circle the drain before it finally disappeared into the waste management system of my fair city. I put some fresh pj’s on, found my computer, tuned into the latest season of Flash, medicated and then drifted off to Nod once again.
            Now, I hope you don’t get the wrong idea, my dear reader, my slumber did not go uninterrupted. The ever growing mountain of used tissues, cough drop wrappers and empty blister packs of over the counter meds was evidence of this. Because of these applications, the meds, constant nasal cavity emptying, throat soothing lozenges and sleep did however have wonderful side effects, it made me a bit healthier, still ill, but I had garnered enough strength to relocate gelatinous and chronically pained corporeal form down to the sectional couch by way of the kitchen where I purloined a few popsicles before I made myself comfortable enough to eat said frozen treats and then doze off to the dulcet tones of afternoon television. Oh the luxurious life I lead.
            When I awoke, two creatures had decided to make their home in my living room, they were eating, flipping channels and basically hoping I wouldn’t expel any more bodily fluids or gas from my drug induced and immovable frame that seemed to have melded itself with the couch cushions and +2 blanket of sleeping. (That there is a D&D reference.) The two creatures, who identified themselves as my “family”; I didn’t really recognize or remember them but I won’t let them know this fact for fear they might end my life while I sleep. When asked if I was okay, I nodded. When asked if I was hungry, I nodded and one of these “family” members would hand me some soup or a popsicle. When asked if I was thirsty, I nodded and they gave me water, and since I’m writing this, I’m still alive and it is days later… so I suppose they are telling the truth.
            By Thursday morning, the morning in which I was to see my doctor about my shallow breath, my never-ending cough, the strange rattle and noise that comes with exhaling and other general maladies, I realized that one of my house guests would have to take me. So I accepted her into my life at face value when she said she was my wife. She took me to the healer, who after poking, prodding, listening and questioning me gave me a prescription to give him a “Spit” sample. Eww, yes, I can hear the collective groan of disgust rattle across the internet as you read that last line. If you really want to be grossed out, go back and read it again. Seriously, go ahead, I’ll wait.
            You done? Good, ‘cause you are all a bunch of sick-o’s if you did go back and read it. I’m proud of you.
            So, for the past umpteen hours since the doctor visit, I’ve napped more, watched more television, and watched more shows on the internet both with and without commercials. Lots and lots of commercials. Mostly car commercials. Which I noticed something odd about those commercials. Almost every car has a license plate, and the license plate is the same color as the car, even though there are numbers and letters on the license plate. It’s odd I realized this while sick. Of course I always see things that most don’t see when I’m ill. Then again, I’ve been accused of seeing things that others don’t when I’m well. But no matter, I saw other things too on the commercials, things I won’t go into right now because I don’t want to travel down the rabbit hole of conspiracy and consumerism.
            What I will say is this, I’m on the mend. I feel better even though I’m not as well as I should be. After all, I’m getting old and it takes my body much more time to heal than it used to. Also, I’ve developed a nice tweaked lowed back pain, most likely caused from all the coughing. I’m looking forward to leaving my home for endless hours of work and interaction with people who I will most likely not remember because I’ve been absent from their lives for so long.
            I guess what I’m trying to say is this. I’m sad my week of being a medical recluse is over because I’m not as healthy as I want to be but I’m anxious to get back to my routine. I’ve missed the interactions of my daily life, as limited as they are, I miss them. I’ve also missed you guys, my readers and my inability to communicate better while sick and delusional for the simple fact I believe my hallucinations are quite entertaining and one day should be shared with the world.

            Have a great week, look out for golf carts and license plates that are painted.

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