Hello my Dear Reader, this is my last blog of 2012. To say this year has been rough is an understatement. It has been one shit-storm after another for months with little or no light on the horizon. And, it doesn’t appear there is an end of this excrement-tsunami for quite some time. The only thing I have to look forward to is endless hours of exhaustive work to fill my days and nights with a pittance of spackle to shore up the impending deluge of unwanted phone calls and knocks on doors which will fill my future with fear and desperation.
Now, don’t read that paragraph a pity party, it isn’t. It is an explanation of what is going on, how I feel and one of the reasons I have not been paying too much attention to my blog or my creative writing. My life seems to get in the way of me doing the things which I enjoy, like writing. And since my mind is so easily distracted by worries, even when I am sitting on my porch, my couch or even at my desk with the industrial plastic keys under my fingertips, my creativity suffers due to my mind trying to distract itself from the uncertainties which plague me like an old testament plague.
I know I am not alone in this; I know all of us are battling the unseen forces of life which make daily living difficult. This brings a certain level of comfort to me, because we all seem to be in this struggle together. But that comfort is fleeting because my own problems, just like your problems, overshadow my concern for others. Just as mine issues are but a fleeting thought in your mind and daily existence.
This season however, we as a collective, celebrate a time of renewal, kindness and understanding. I have been trying to do this. To make myself more aware of others fight for survival. It has not been an easy task, but one I have endeavored to fulfill. I have tried to approach things with good humor and understanding. I have failed but I have also succeeded. As I hope you have in these times.
As we look forward into the New Year we try to set aside the failures of the past and embrace the success’s we have achieved and the dreams we wish to forge into reality. Unfortunately for me I have become more and more cynical with each passing year, so finding hope in frail and murky dreams seems extremely juvenile. I’m also tainted against putting much faith in the pipe dreams most people I know are afflicted with. Imaginings the likes we’ve all heard muttered by the water cooler, the lunch counter or even during a brief respite from the never ending monotonous tasks which fill our lives. Words meant to make us feel just a bit better about the existence we are eeking out at the cost of our health, loved ones and mental acuity.
As a child I looked at a calendar and marked off specific days. I’d place and “X” on the first day of school, a smiley face on the last day of school and the first day of football, the first day of baseball practice, a slash would mark my birthday and many other mysterious symbols adorned my paper time keeper. Every one of them personal and important to me and what I would be doing in my life for the next three-hundred and sixty-five days on this revolving mud ball known as earth.
Fast forward to today and what does my calendar look like? Dollar signs. Yup, the almighty $ symbols fill in the squares which represent days. They are a constant reminder of when bills have to be paid. This is what I live for now. Not football, baseball, days off, vacations or even holidays. I am consumed with making sure the reality I have created with my own will does not crumble under my failure to maintain the balance of economical daily life which would allow the monsters of the blue nowhere materialize into existence and destroy all that I have tried to create.
Yet now, as the second hand of a clock passed the number twelve we are all supposed to feel a sense of renewal and hope. I don’t feel it. I can’t feel it. To feel that way would require me to don some rose colored glasses and check reality at the door. I can’t afford to do that and I know many others who can’t pay a bill that steep either. They are the level headed, nose to the grind stone; hard workers who make the cogs of this nation revolve in a syncopated dance of unseen machinations by the fugue filled minds of the unsuspecting masses.
(Ok, I admit, I just got a bit preachy. I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not going to. But I will move on.)
As usual, with my end of year blog I like to look back on my year and see if I was successful in my resolutions over the span of time imposed on us by a Pope in the 1500’s. I have to say I had some successes and some failures. I managed to get published twice; Success. Approaching conflict with good humor; Success and Failure. Making peace with people who irritate me; Failure, but I didn’t inflict damage on them so I’ll take a push on that one.
I don’t know yet what my next resolutions will be. Just thinking about them makes me want to crawl under my covers and sleep. But, maybe… just maybe I will have on that list the ability to try and not worry so much and try to take things in stride. I doubt I’ll be successful in that resolution but I can at least try.
Have a great and merry New Years my dear reader, stay safe and hug the ones you love.