Hello
my Dear Reader, this is my last blog of 2012. To say this year has been rough
is an understatement. It has been one
shit-storm after another for months with little or no light on the
horizon. And, it doesn’t appear there is
an end of this excrement-tsunami for quite some time. The only thing I have to look forward to is
endless hours of exhaustive work to fill my days and nights with a pittance of
spackle to shore up the impending deluge of unwanted phone calls and knocks on
doors which will fill my future with fear and desperation.
Now,
don’t read that paragraph a pity party, it isn’t. It is an explanation of what
is going on, how I feel and one of the reasons I have not been paying too much
attention to my blog or my creative writing. My life seems to get in the way of
me doing the things which I enjoy, like writing. And since my mind is so easily
distracted by worries, even when I am sitting on my porch, my couch or even at
my desk with the industrial plastic keys under my fingertips, my creativity
suffers due to my mind trying to distract itself from the uncertainties which
plague me like an old testament plague.
I know
I am not alone in this; I know all of us are battling the unseen forces of life
which make daily living difficult. This brings a certain level of comfort to
me, because we all seem to be in this struggle together. But that comfort is
fleeting because my own problems, just like your problems, overshadow my
concern for others. Just as mine issues are but a fleeting thought in your mind
and daily existence.
This season
however, we as a collective, celebrate a time of renewal, kindness and
understanding. I have been trying to do this. To make myself more aware of
others fight for survival. It has not been an easy task, but one I have
endeavored to fulfill. I have tried to
approach things with good humor and understanding. I have failed but I have
also succeeded. As I hope you have in these times.
As we
look forward into the New Year we try to set aside the failures of the past and
embrace the success’s we have achieved and the dreams we wish to forge into
reality. Unfortunately for me I have become more and more cynical with each
passing year, so finding hope in frail and murky dreams seems extremely juvenile.
I’m also tainted against putting much faith in the pipe dreams most people I
know are afflicted with. Imaginings the likes we’ve all heard muttered by the
water cooler, the lunch counter or even during a brief respite from the never
ending monotonous tasks which fill our lives. Words meant to make us feel just
a bit better about the existence we are eeking out at the cost of our health,
loved ones and mental acuity.
As a
child I looked at a calendar and marked off specific days. I’d place and “X” on
the first day of school, a smiley face on the last day of school and the first
day of football, the first day of baseball practice, a slash would mark my
birthday and many other mysterious symbols adorned my paper time keeper. Every
one of them personal and important to me and what I would be doing in my life
for the next three-hundred and sixty-five days on this revolving mud ball known
as earth.
Fast
forward to today and what does my calendar look like? Dollar signs. Yup, the
almighty $ symbols fill in the squares which represent days. They are a
constant reminder of when bills have to be paid. This is what I live for now.
Not football, baseball, days off, vacations or even holidays. I am consumed
with making sure the reality I have created with my own will does not crumble
under my failure to maintain the balance
of economical daily life which would allow the monsters of the blue nowhere
materialize into existence and destroy all that I have tried to create.
Yet
now, as the second hand of a clock passed the number twelve we are all supposed
to feel a sense of renewal and hope. I don’t feel it. I can’t feel it. To feel
that way would require me to don some rose colored glasses and check reality at
the door. I can’t afford to do that and I know many others who can’t pay a bill
that steep either. They are the level headed, nose to the grind stone; hard
workers who make the cogs of this nation revolve in a syncopated dance of unseen
machinations by the fugue filled minds of the unsuspecting masses.
(Ok, I
admit, I just got a bit preachy. I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not going to.
But I will move on.)
As
usual, with my end of year blog I like to look back on my year and see if I was
successful in my resolutions over the span of time imposed on us by a Pope in
the 1500’s. I have to say I had some successes and some failures. I managed to
get published twice; Success. Approaching
conflict with good humor; Success and Failure. Making peace with people who
irritate me; Failure, but I didn’t inflict damage on them so I’ll take a push
on that one.
I don’t
know yet what my next resolutions will be. Just thinking about them makes me
want to crawl under my covers and sleep.
But, maybe… just maybe I will have on that list the ability to try and
not worry so much and try to take things in stride. I doubt I’ll be successful
in that resolution but I can at least try.
Have a
great and merry New Years my dear reader, stay safe and hug the ones you love.
Skip Novak
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