Pride and Falling

And I am back!

How ya been? Miss me? I missed you. Actually what I missed was the opportunity to sort through some stuff that Iv'e been thinking about. You know, Stuff... We all have it but it seems most of us just don't know what to do with it. Please, don't look to me to tell you what to do with YOUR stuff, I can barely handle mine at the moment, although God knows I am trying my hardest.

So, a quick update from here in the Heart of the South, my cold is gone, thanks to modern pharmaceuticals, sleep and a few good cigars (Yes, I believe they do serve a medicinal purpose. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!) I have a new windshield on my car, work is always there and I am constantly in a battle to do better at making sure the toy trains don't grow legs, my offspring has made me proud once again and also has managed to bring tears to my eyes at least once a day. The weather has been cool and comforting and spring is here with a summer of adventure ahead of me; not really, but it sounds good.

Onward...

For you regular readers you know that about 4 weeks ago I got a tad bit perturbed in church and did something I was not proud of and I have to say I have come to terms with it these past few weeks. Almost. I say almost simply because I am questioning myself and why I do what I do at my church. You see, initially I joined my specific ministry simply because I thought it would make a difference, that I would be able to help. To reach people and help them along their temporary visitation on this mud-ball. And I believe I did help. To a point. Then, all sorts of craziness happened. Our Lead Pastor did something stupid, peoples faith in their leaders were shaken to the deepest footing in their own soul. Other leaders in my church packed up their bags and left. Rumors spread like a California wild fire. Hate, discontent, theft, lies, cheating and basic chaos ensued. It was as if our Adversary, Satan, came strolling through our hallowed and sanctified doors and decided to take up residency. Playing with the minds and emotions of anyone who had ever been a member or even thought about being a member of our church.

The ministry I was so proud to be a member of was no exception. We suffered losses. Great losses. Heck, we didn't even have enough people to do our job and man our positions. It was so bad that at one time there were just two "soldiers" and one leader, who I feel had checked out and was getting ready to leave as soon as she could find another job. But, you know, through it all me and my buddy stayed the course. We "MANNED THE WALL" and continued on our course to attempt to do what we believed was God's Will for us. We won our portion of the battle.

We won.

Now, we have new leadership. I, myself was even asked to step into a leadership role and was given a position that I had wanted but never pursued because I felt that in time God would put me where HE needed me the most. When I was informed of my new duties position I was happy and even felt a bit proud too. Almost too proud, but I don't think I was. I was happy and I enjoyed my work, I even felt that I was where I needed to be. I was now a Director, a position I had been wanting to learn and to try my talents at for a long time. The man who trained me is well known in the Radio and TV industry and is amazing in his talent and faith. I feel extremely fortunate to be able to learn from him and to observe his style and knowledge of camera operation firsthand. I also know that I am a neophyte in my own way of calling shots and directing. Sure, I can operate the expensive high definition television camera,s I know how to read a crowd, a band, follow the musical direction and even to some extent read a persons body language when they are walking across a stage giving an emotional speech on overcoming obstacles in their life and the lives of the people they have come into contact with.

But when your sitting in the Director's chair calling the shots you have to trust that your cameramen will do what you would do. I did. I trusted them. I still trust them. I KNOW they will do what I would do. How do I know this? Because they too have been through what I have been through. They know what I know and they've helped rebuild from the ashes of a once great church a new church that is built on a foundation of the strength that can only come from kicking failure in it ass. A church built on the perseverance of a faith that has been kicked in the gut from an entire heard of the horses from Hell and been bitten right through its flesh to the core of its Soul by the Hell Hounds that roam the Earth by the order of their master and do his bidding wherever and whenever he sees fit. These guys "Stayed the Course" and fought their own demons and won. I love them and respect them for that.

Now me on the other hand? That is the question you, my dear and faithful reader are asking yourself right about now aren't you? I am doing... well, let's just say I am having a crisis of placement. I am back in my ministry, sans cold. And someone else is in the Directors chair. Yup, I have been replaced. Permanently? I don't think so. Temporarily? Yup. Two weeks now and I don't like it. My pride is hurt and I know it shouldn't be. I should understand that all of us need to be trained and be able to direct on OUR production TEAM. Yet, it hurts. It hurts a LOT. I started off just wanting to help and try to make a difference but now I just want to direct. For some of you, out there, who are sitting in front of your computers and scratching your head saying"But, you are still a part of something BIGGER than yourself." I say "Your right!" But I have to add this "Could you expect General MacArthur or General Patton to simply give up their position as General to be a Private once again?" It aint easy, especially in Patton's case, that man was INCREDIBLE!!! (For those of you raised in the South, imagine how it must have felt for General Lee to sign the surrender papers.)

I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle this new role. I'm going to try. Try to accept that I am where I'm because I need to grow, I need to be penitent, I need to be humble and to keep in mind that I'm doing something most people don't get a chance to do. My pride has always been a week point for me. I accept this and I struggle with it. I don't like being questioned about things that I know about by people above me on the totem pole of Leadership. I accept that people below me don't know things and I take that opportunity to help train them and even people on the same level as me may not know all that I know and I may not know all they know.

I also feel communication is the best form of training a person and that your only as good as the information you have and that is why I am writing this tonight. I need to communicate, to let out of me what has been eating away at me in the depths of what I feel is one of my callings to service and in a way that I have rarely felt. I want to continue to serve my church and my God in a way He wants me to. I will be here and I will be struggling through my own fleshy desires in an attempt to not just become a better person but a better Christian and Christ follower.

Ok, my bleeding is done, I feel as if I have just ripped a humongous part of my soul out and bared it for all of you to see and poke with a stick. Please be gentle and kind and know that I do care deeply for each and every one of you.

PS. I have changed the "Comment" format so that anyone can now comment. I hope I did it right.