Monday, January 11, 2010


I am Socially Retarded.

I can't lay claim to that little phrase. Iwish I could but I can't. What I can claim is that it was said about me by my Mother no less and as anyone should know your Mother knows you best.
Now all of this was said about me in a conversation that I was not privy to but I did recieve the news second hand by one of my sisters. The sister who told me thought I might be upset about the incident but in truth I laughed. Laughed hard. And I agree with my Mother. I am a Social Retard.
I don't like crowds or groups of people, I don't enjoy going to parties or functions. As a matter of fact I try to avoid any and all social functions. I don't like them. They give me a headache. But, occasionally I do find myself in a position of a semi-large to large gathering of people that I could not get out of and I resign myself to an evening of loud people who have lost most of their common sense. And when that happens I find a semi-quiet corner of the room or house or bar or where ever I am and I observe.
I watch. I listen. I make mental notes. I get a massive headache.
Mostly though, I just think to myself "When can I leave and what is all this B.S. they are a spewing forth from thier mouths?"
Here are some snippets that I have overheard;
"And then she said."
"Can you believe he slept with her?"
"My Boss is an asshole!"
"Guns are not the problem"
"They make the best anti-pasta there."
"The delivery guy was such an asshole."
There are more locked away in the trap known as my brain but it is just painful to bring them all forth and write them down. And these little nuggets of wisdom all blend together in my head and they start to make connections with other crap and I will inevitably blurt out something apparently random and inapropriate at the most embarrising time. What? you don't believe me? You need an example?
Ok, I will give you one. I will take one from the list;
"The delivery guy was such an asshole." to which my response would be...
"Sour milk tastes bad." and no one if the room knew what I was talking about. See, socially retarded. I don't think I need to go into too much of an explanation here abou the "Sour Milk" comment. Just believe me there is a connection to Sour Milk and Asshole Delivery Drivers. Well at least there is in my mind.
This is probably why I don't make friends easily and why I can't seem to fit in at these wonderfully painful gatherings during the holidays.
I am more of a one-on-one kind of person. I do well with small groups of people, not so much to keep track of I suppose. Just simple conversation that can be steered toward issues and topics that seem more relavent to my life. I know that sounds self-centered but I don't think it is. What is more self-centered? Just aimless B.S. with no purpose or a conversatoin that just oozes with wonderful thoughts and ideas. Even then, when the conversation goes above my train of thought or out of my league of intelligence I just sit back and enjoy what is being said.
To prove exactly how "Socially Retarded" I am I am not even going to finish this blog. I am going to leave it open ended and see what happens next....

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