I’m not a good person. At least that is how I feel almost all the time. Sure, I have brief respites of I guess what could be considered normalcy. But for the most part, I don’t view myself as good.
I live too much inside my head, I seek out and relish in being alone. I have a tendency to alienate people and I’ve developed this into an art form. So much so that there are times where I intentionally try to push people away. Just to see their reactions.
However; this sort of behavior has pretty much made me a very lonely person with almost no friends. So when I need to talk to someone, not my wife, I have very few people to turn to. I’d like to think that I have a co-worker I can talk with but that is a lie I tell to myself.
Mostly though, my loneliness comes from me not really thinking I’m worth anything or good for anything. Also, I can’t imagine what sort of person would find anything I have to say interesting or of value. My wife seems to think that these thoughts come from my childhood and the fact that I really didn’t have good male role models. This may be true.
After all, I have vivid memories of being called a twerp, useless, good-for-nothing and a burden. Those are just the ones off the top of my head. Also, both men, father figures you could say, had a very heavy hand when it came to discipline. These things helped shape me into the reclusive, self-destructive, workaholic, antagonistic, dour and basically sad man I am today.
I don’t want to be this way. I wish I weren’t. I know there have been times in my life where I didn’t feel like crap all the time. Times where I was a caring, loving and compassionate person. Those moments seem like dreams.
I have an addictive personality. If I think one piece of pizza is good, the whole pizza will be great. If one drink of whiskey is good, the whole bottle will be amazing. This type of behavior is bad. I know it’s bad. I’ve tried to control it and I’ve been losing this contest.
I went years maintaining control, then, not so long ago, I lost it. Now, I’m fighting to regain that control. The first time was easy. This time, not so easy.
Maybe it’s because I’m under more pressure. Maybe it’s because my past has come back to haunt me. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m treading water with a hundred pound anchor strapped to my back.
Life is not supposed to be like this. Life is supposed to be a joyous occasion. We are supposed to celebrate life. Live life. Enjoy life. And all I seem to be doing is drowning. No, not drowning so much. More like the water is up to my chin and every so often, when I take a breath, I suck in some water, cough, sputter and renew my efforts to stay afloat. Then I get tired and suck in more water. There is no joy, no living, just me, treading and barely existing.
I’m tired of just barely existing. I want to live and enjoy. I want to be free of all the emotional chains, the weight of responsibility and the binds of my past that have held me in its iron grip.
My Pastor and friend say I need help. My wife says I need help.
But here is the biggest crux, remember what I wrote at the beginning? About alienating people? That is my biggest hurdle. I don’t open up well to strangers and when I feel the urge for self-destruction… I can’t or won’t open up to the people closest to me.
I shut down. I go out on my own and mess everything up that I’ve worked hard for.
I do this because I truly feel that I don’t deserve the gifts and happiness that are in my life.I hear all those bad names in my head. Twerp, good-for-nothing and useless. Those words have done more than impact me, they have formed themselves into demons in my head that prevent me from being who I am supposed to be. Well, at least I feel they do.
My name is Skip Novak and I am a broken wreck of a human. I can only blame myself for my actions and I hope one day, not today, or tomorrow or even next year, but one day, I will have shaken the crap that I’ve given so much credit to and power over my life.