I have very little idea in how to describe what has happened in my world this week. I suppose I could start from Sunday night.
I received a death threat. In person. On my porch and from a person I did not at first recognize. Eventually, I did recognize him. Plus the fact he left his business card for me to identify and turn over to the cops helped. Yes, I called the cops, filed a report and was given an emergency protection order. I also called a well armed friend, my wife, boss and several others in my life I know and trust to help calm me down and protect me.
Because of this, I haven’t slept much all week. Also, I like to sleep in dark places, which I have not really been in. Lights across my house have been left on. Inside and out. Not to mention the mandatory purchasing of “No Trespassing” signage, the paranoid traveling to and from work using various non direct routes as well as doubling back on my routes to ensure some crazy fool in a modified Toyota truck isn’t following me has left me all but exhausted.
Then, of course there has been my work load at both jobs. The never ending deluge of household chores and of course doctor’s visits, offspring needs and life in general has made me one grumpy person. Yet, here I am, still breathing, still working, still living and still staying the course.
To answer your unasked question. Yes, I have been living in fear all week long. Fear of harm befalling me, my family, my coworkers and my property. A fear I’ve never felt before. After all, how many times have you been face to face with a person who when you look into their eyes you see nothing but hatred, anger, hate and pain. To tell the truth, I feel bad for this man and I hope he gets help. I hope he finds a calm and peaceful place in his life where he can figure out his own world and life.
I know that sounds strange. Giving well wishes to a person who has threatened you. Hoping that a person who seems to have nothing but evil thoughts can find peace. Wishing a person who has threatened to destroy your family and life a long life, an understanding family and love.
I suppose… and I don’t want to come off as preachy here, cause I’m not a preacher, but I have to be able to afford grace to this person. I have to be able to let his discretions slough away in the tide of life. Just like Jesus taught the masses. I can’t really remember the exact words, I think it was in Luke where he said “Take heart, your sins are forgiven.” (I know, I know, I could look it up but I’m a little lazy and I don’t have internet on my porch right now. Also, I know when I go to post this, I’ll most likely have forgotten about this line.)
Now, whether you are a believer or not, those are powerful words. “Take heart, your sins are forgiven.” To me, that is grace. He didn’t say he was going to forget your sins, he said they were forgiven. Which is pretty cool. To me at least it is. So, this is what I’m doing. I’m going to forgive, not forget. Also, I am going to hope and pray he has had time to come to his senses, realize his errors, maybe find some help in alleviating his pain he is going through and live a better life.
In the bible, I believe, if my memory is correct, Jesus said this to a guy who was paralyzed. The words healed the paralyzed man. Which seems really cool. Just don’t ask Mr. Jefferson, this story is removed from his bible, which is another story altogether.
I wish I could say that to the man who threatened my life. I wish I could go back in time and say something as cool as that and see if the words could cure the paralyzing anger, hatred, and angst that seems to have paralyzed him. I’m not saying he needs to find God, or Jesus or even religion. What I am saying is he needs to find a way to be healed. Whether it is through modern pharmaceuticals, religion, friends or family, I hope he finds his path.
Because he was and most likely is still lost, and being lost in this world, mentally, physically, emotionally and mentally can’t be a good time for anyone. I’m not saying he is lost in all those areas, I am saying he acted out irrationally, and in my experience, most irrational acts are performed by people who have become trapped in a wilderness either of their own making or someone elses making. Once in that wilderness, everything becomes a maze and you quickly lose your way. I know this because I’ve lived it. I’ve suffered it and I’ve overcome it.
This doesn’t mean I am still out of the woods so to speak. I don’t think I will ever be completely un-lost. But I know that harboring ill will towards another person is not a way to live your life.
Lastly, and this is one of the only thoughts that has allowed me to sleep at night, if anything does now happen to me, my family or property or friends, the first place the law enforcement community will go to is this persons house. Which is sad in a way, yet I can’t help but feel a small sense of security because of it.
In conclusion; be good to each other, help each other and grant grace even when it is not warranted. Life’s too short to harbor evil feelings whose only purpose is to help you self destruct.
Have a great week.