Which is not to say that I have been idle, I have not. I’ve written a nice flash fiction ghost tale during these past two weeks. I’ve even managed to write a blog, but, I never posted it. Which is strange for me but where all of this began…
You see, two weeks ago, after I had just finished what was to be my blog for the week, I got a bit waylaid. Not in a highwayman manner. No, this was more subtle. Subtle in the form of a social life that I’ve never really wanted but now seem neck deep in. Game night, once a month at a buddies house, usually there are six to eight people there. We play “Magic the Gathering”, eat snacks and then play “Cards Against Humanity”. Some guys bring their significant others, most of us though, geeks from conception, adults through age, and wise from experience, know our lady loves don’t dig on grown men slapping cards on a table and talking about wizards, spells, plainswalkers and magical artifacts.
Matter of fact, the ladies that do show up, spend this time sitting around the living room and surfing internet fashion sites. With an occasional stop by a cute kitty picture site, which to us mages, makes up chuckle. (I’m sure the ladies do their own type of chuckling, hidden behind raised hands and rolling eyes.)
I’m usually the first to leave since I get up early on Saturday mornings, the rest of the gamers play till the wee hours of the morning. Good for them.
Also, on the social front, I’ve spent many an evening with the Garage Gang. Most recently sitting around bonfires where I find my mind wandering away from the nothing discussions of the folks around me. Usually I end up in places of my brain that lead to writing and discovery, in those cases, where I’m not over-analyzing but hyper-analyzing life, fire, comfort, friendship and where we all fit in the universe, one of the Gang recognizes this and will jab me verbally with sword of nonsense. Then I snap back into the moment.
Those moments, beautiful, heady moments of men, women and children in the throes of life’s brief seconds of living. Stationary moments, frozen in my mind’s eye. Smiles, laughter, joy, passion, and a communal oneness that I can’t seem to sink into like they do. Mostly, I feel they, my friends are earth and I’m the satellite moon in constant orbit. I’m two-hundred-thirty-eight thousand nine-hundred miles from sitting in the midst of humanity even though I’m physically two feet from the nearest person. An emotional detachment? No. Physical? No. Mental? No, not that either.
It’s something different that slows my immersion into the messy, wallowing, mud-slinging, dirty, complicated, hilariously simple world of human relations. Sure, I joke a bit, I answer questions, give my own two-cents when I’m asked and sometimes not asked. But, I always feel as if I’m an observer to some alien species. It’s all good though, they accept me for who and what I am, they don’t even fuss when I leave without saying goodbye. After all, there is only so much one can take of interactions with others. At least in my case that is.
This seems to be an overcomplicated explanation of why I’ve been absent for two weeks. I don’t think so. I want you to understand I wasn’t ignoring you, instead, I’ve been thinking about our relationship. Me writing, you reading, and for a day or two there, I actually thought about not writing at all anymore. Then something happened…
Something , someone said to me years ago came true…
I won’t say who was involved but I discovered that what I’ve been doing, what my words have been doing, have had an impact that I would never have thought. So I shall keep going, keep writing and keep bleeding on whatever keyboard happens to be in front of me. Damn all the bullshit, damn the pain, damn the exhaustion. Just one look, one word, one smile… that’s all I needed.
So for better or worse, my exile seems to be over and you guys are stuck with me.
Have a great week.