I
am a damaged individual. (Which is the nice way of saying I’m fucked up.) But
you know, that really makes me no different than you, or the guy down the
street or even the cashier at the local food mart. Everyone I know is damaged
in some way or another. It seems to be part of the chronic human condition.
Sure, I know there are varying degrees of being messed up in the head and the
multitude of reasons, if written on those tiny pieces of paper found in fortune
cookies, if stacked one on top of another would most likely stretch to the moon
and back and we each deal with the effects of our damage differently. I know I
sure did.
Here’s
the thing, you see, while I know we each deal differently with the shit that
has happened to us, I try to not let the bad shit get to me or dictate who or
what I want to be. It was a hard fought internal war and took years of internal
struggle for me to get there. But once I made that decision, I was a much freer
and happier person. Now, I’m not saying I’m a well rounded or even balanced
individual but I know people who’ve experienced less trauma than I have and
they are stunted in their own growth. When I see a person in that situation, I
get confused about how they have allowed one or two or hell, even a dozen bad
things hold them back from becoming a more relaxed and even pleasant person to
be around. It baffles me. But then, I suppose, 20+ years ago, I was in the same
boat as them.
Today,
I like to think that most of my anger issues of my past are beyond me. And I
truly believe they are, but that does not mean that I don’t occasionally get
upset. But the things that upset me are not what they once were. Today, idiot
drivers in four wheel vehicles seem to be the bane of my two wheeled life.
Simply because, four wheelers and more wheelers rarely see a two wheeled
vehicles because we have a smaller sight profile. But now biggie, God gave me
two fingers for those people. (See, that is where my anger comes into play).
Thinking
back on all the crazy shit I’ve had done to me and that I’ve experienced,
especially now that I write this, it seems that I should be a much angrier
person or at least someone who is in an “I love me jacket” in a padded room.
But I’m not. I’m sitting here on my front porch towards the end of a long day
and talking to you. Why? I honestly don’t know, I wish I did, but I do know
that since I’ve started writing my blog over three years ago, I have discovered
it serves as an outlet, kind of like a pressure cooker valve, and the things
that are released from inside of me, the anger, hate, frustration and even the
love and adoration, helps me cope on a daily basis. So my blogging is a good
thing, for me at least.
What
is that? You want some history, some details? Nah, no need to go there. I’ve
had plenty of experience trying to talk out all the shit I’ve seen and
experienced to go into it here. Besides, it would take too long to write it all
down… again. You see, one of the many Head Shrinkers I’ve seen over the course
of my life have had me write shit like that down on more than one occasion and
to tell you the truth, it gets a bit stale. To me at least. Not to mention that
every time I followed their instructions, what I wrote ended up in a manila file
folder. I can only guess those files are sitting somewhere in a storage
facility where no one will ever read them. Thank God for that too.
So
where does all this leave me? Simple, I’ve pegged it down to this, and you can
take this part of the blog with a grain of salt if you don’t agree. Everyone is
a victim and the only way to overcome being a victim is by making peace with
the fact that you were once a victim and switch your mindset from a victim
mentality to a survivor mentality. Because that is what I did. I stopped
wishing the bad things that had happened to me had not and that the people that
did them to me would get their punishment. I gave up on revenge and accepted
the fact that I had survived everything I had been through and I could either
let the past dictate who I am or I could make myself into an image of a human
that I would be proud of. I don’t want now nor ever to be a victim but I do
want to be a survivor. Once I made the mental cross over from one to the other,
It
was and is not an easy thing to do. I still have fits of panic and I am more
paranoid than anyone I know in my life but I’m in a place where I can keep
things in perspective. Hell, at least I’m not packing dead bodies into body
bags overseas of friends, sailors and soldiers I served beside. I have friends
that have done that, and they are damaged and I wish I could reach out to them
and say “It is all going to be OKAY. The things you are going through will
eventually make you a better and stronger person.” But to say that to them
seems to be an empty platitude right now.
We
are all on a path to self discovery and acceptance. While our goal is the same,
our paths are much different and they can be very lonely. If you know someone
or are someone in this situation, my heart goes out to you. But, I promise, if
you stay the course, work things out in you head to the best of your ability
and even if you need help, it is there for you. You will become a better person
and you can overcome anything put in your path.
Of course I could be wrong. (But I don't think I am.)
Have
a great week.