After
twenty-three years I finally succumbed to going home and attempting to see my
father, step-mother and step-brothers. For the record, I have two
step-brothers. In preparing for the trip I was not as enthusiastic as I believe
most people are when they get to go home to see family.
No, I
suppose you could say I traveled halfway across the continent to see if I could
be the good son, the good brother, the caring man a person of my middle age is
supposed to be. You see, it is no secret to anyone I know that my relationship
with my family, on both sides, is one of tentative convenience. For all parties involved.
I mean,
after all, we are all adults in our 50’s which is my step-brothers and sisters,
well, all but my youngest sister. But we won’t focus on my sisters, after all,
they were not part of this trip. However, I digress, my Wisconsin family is
primarily made up of my father, Al, step-mother, Marlene, my step-brother,
Brian and my other step-brother who I found out is now my step-sister, Patty.
So, just your basic modern blended and mixed immediate family.
Brian,
a great guy who has traveled the world, adopted a great boy with some amazing
talents and gifts and has a loving wife with her own two sons, were gracious
enough to open their house to me for five days. I am sure there is some sort of
proper protocol I broke by staying there that long. But, hey, it is me, how
often do you think I listen to Emily Post?
The day
I arrived we went to see my ailing father and his wife. They were in good
spirits and we had some nice conversation over a fine dinner and several hours.
I remember remarking to Brian on the way to his home at how frail they both
looked. Much different from the last time I had seen them. Yet my father still
had his corny dad jokes to tell and my brother and I. No new jokes, just the
same tired ones I have heard most of my life from him. They were corny and
comforting at the same time, and to be honest, just a little sad. My step-mom,
was warm, charming and sweet all at the same time. Like a hot fudge sundae, you
just can’t be upset when you are eating one.
As the
trip grew longer, so did my brothers and my conversations. Stories of our
shared childhoods, of our solo adventures into the world and the discovery of
the loves of our lives echoed through the car and around the campfires. In an
odd way, our bonding as brothers grew deeper. We both expressed regrets and
fears from when we were kids. Frustrations with each other born out of
misunderstanding motives and even how quick and when our survival instinct
would kick in. It was very enlightening and wonderful to be around him and his
family.
The
second visit to my father did not go so well. After a few hours I was getting
frustrated and angry. So much so I was begging for an excuse to get out of the
house for a while. Which is funny to me because I had a built in excuse.
I had
reached out to a high school friend and she had agreed to reach out to others
of our class and we were to meet up. When time came for me to say goodbye to my
family for a few hours I was relieved and happy to get away for a while.
I got
to spend ninety lovely minutes reconnecting with a few of my classmates.
Classmates I had not spoken with in years, well, with the exception of social
media. However, having the chance to sit down, talk, laugh and just tell
stories from our lives was an opportunity to not be wasted. We didn’t. That
meeting was truly one of the high points of the trip and I have to say well worth
the frustration of traveling in this era of facemasks and impromptu body
searches at the airports.
I
missed them as soon as I started to walk away from them and the absence of them
in my life is a bittersweet sadness filled with wonderful memories and hours of
laughter.
The
feeling of elation was as short lived as the drive back to my fathers. The
reality of his and his wife’s situation is an ever present brick wall I seem to
face daily. The issues they have, are going through and will go through will
only get worse. And my brother is there doing all the dirty work. Alone.
I can’t
help, I am a half a continent away with a life and family of my own. Our sister
Patty can’t help. So Brian has taken this responsibility of becoming a parent
to our parents. Mad respect for him. I have seen how hard he works in his
professional life and how hard he works on his family life and now he has added
elder-care to his portfolio of responsibilities. Where most people would hire a
nurse, a housecleaner, a cook, a yard keeper, he has taken on those tasks and
performs them as if he were standing in the shade on a warm Wisconsin day and
sipping a cold glass of lemonade. He makes it look easy. We all know it is not.
He knows it is not. To be honest, I am sure not many folks outside the
immediate family know what he is dealing with.
He has
truly become a great parent to his family and his parents.
I don’t
know if I could do it.
I have
my own issues to deal with when it concerns my father. No time to get into that
here.
On one
hand, I have kept a working communication with all of my family. The terms of
the communication are simple, if you want to talk to me, call, I will answer my
phone for family. If I want to talk with your, I will call and if you answer we
will talk. If I am in town I am always willing to see you. If you are in town,
I am always willing to see you.
Simple,
just express a desire to see me or talk with me. That rule is not always
understood or even conveyed back to me. That is okay. We are who we are and we
are all going through some emotional, physical and sometimes mental pain.
Sometimes,
it is self-inflicted, sometimes it is not. Sometimes you get one or two types
of pain and the world is dark. On rare occasions, you get all three and if it
received at the hands of the same person, you shut down. You move on, you go
into survival mode and you leave your town, your state, your country.
You
move forward, you lie to yourself, you build a new life with a new family. You
don’t look back. On rare occasions you ask yourself “I wonder what ever
happened to so-and-so” but you don’t dwell on those thoughts.
You lie
to yourself that you are okay.
You lie
to yourself that your past is dead.
You lie
to yourself that it wasn’t as bad as your brain makes it.
Then
you go home and realize you have been lying all your life.
